DENVER—Saying that he wasn’t going to take any sheit tonight and that the debate podiums “looked just as forking lame as all the dressed-up suits in this godforsaken hellhole of a room,” Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney appeared tonight at the University of Denver’s Magness Arena as Ronnie Ferocious, the aggressive, no-rules punk-rock persona he has reportedly adopted for his three debates against President Barack Obama.

So then Romney wins the debate by beating up an old man and firing him.

When asked by Lehrer to elaborate on his response, Romney dropped his head in silence for five seconds before taking a swig of bourbon, kicking over his podium, and marching up to the moderator’s table.

“Where the hell do you get off, huh?” Romney asked Lehrer before tossing his empty flask on the table and head-butting the journalist in the forehead. “You wanna ask Ronnie a question? Do you?”

“Here’s what I think about raising taxes on the nation’s top 2 percent of earners,” he said before grabbing his crotch and performing a joke-off motion with his hand. “Suck on that.”